I didn't expect this to upset me like it did

You can send me photos of meat, but what gets to me is something far different.

I try my best to not allow comments to get under my skin, which, considering my line of work, is something I have had plenty of opportunities to practice over the years. However, recently a comment made its way through my usually impenetrable comment-proof vest.

Let me give you some backstory.

I’m a huge fan of sandwiches. I used to enjoy them before I was vegan, and now, as a vegan, nothing has changed. I’m also not fussy, it doesn’t have to be artisanal bread made to a centuries-old recipe with a filling consisting of the finest ingredients. If it’s a sandwich (and plant-based), there’s a good chance I’m going to be on board. With this in mind, it will probably come as no surprise to read that when I hear about well-reviewed places that offer plant-based sandwiches, my curiosity is naturally piqued.

This was what happened when I came across the location that would eventually become the scene of the comment that made its way under my skin.

I came across a place online that had great reviews and offered options for vegans; as a result, I decided to visit for lunch one day. When I arrived, the place was packed, and I had to queue for a long time before being served.

It was when I made it to the counter that I received the quip in question. I ordered the sandwich I wanted, and upon seeing the baked goods on display at the counter, I also asked if they had any pastries that were suitable for vegans.

Laughing as he said it, the server replied, ‘Nope. Everything here is butterlicious’.

Immediately, I could feel the annoyance bubbling up inside of me. I responded by saying I just wanted the sandwich, before paying and leaving as soon as I could.

But why did this upset me? I hear worse things on an almost daily basis. In terms of the severity, intention and overall comment itself, it really wasn’t that big a deal, or even close to the kinds of comments I have heard before.

One of the reasons for my annoyance was myself. I felt annoyed for not responding with anything meaningful or even witty – something that would have effectively expressed my feelings without causing an argument. As a result, I felt disappointed in myself for not being sharper and responding.

Calling the pastries ‘butterlicious’ annoyed me, as it implied that delicious and butter are inseparable, and that these products are delicious because they contain the congealed secretions of a cow. As someone who has eaten many delicious plant-based pastries, this is completely untrue, and I have eaten countless pastries that you would never know were vegan if you hadn't been told.

Excellent vegan pastry from Margo’s Amsterdam.

I was annoyed with the way he said it, laughing and smug, with a thinly veiled sense of pride about them being filled with dairy, and contempt for the idea that they would serve anything that wasn’t. Although, perhaps this was unfair of me. Maybe I felt upset and then misinterpreted his intention and tone as a means of trying to validate my feelings and emotions.

Attempting to unpack and disentangle an experience can be challenging. Sometimes we can feel a certain way, but then trying to understand why can lead to us not always being so definitively sure of the reasons.

There’s absolutely every chance that the server said what he said not to try and upset me or prove a point, but because he was trying to be funny and witty. He had, after all, taken my order of a plant-based sandwich without any kind of problem at all. Why would he then decide to make a point about the pastries?

This then leads me to the real reason why I think this upset me. It’s not because I didn’t have a quick response to say back to him, and I don’t believe he was deliberately trying to upset me or thinks food is only delicious if it contains animal products.

I think the reason it upset me is because, even though I had asked for the vegan option, it never even occurred to him that I would be upset about his ‘butterlicious’ comment. There was no part of him that considered that I might be ordering the plant-based option because I care about animals and think that animal products are unethical; as such, there was no part of him that considered that saying ‘butterlicious’ would be a bad comment for him to make.

In the server’s mind, dairy is such a non-issue, especially from an ethical perspective, that he didn’t even consider for a second that his comment could be perceived as making light of the abuse and exploitation dairy cows face for us to make ‘butterlicious’ pastries. This comment was upsetting because it revealed a complete lack of care or even awareness around what happens to dairy cows and their calves, their exploitation again overlooked and ignored. I was upset because his comment was invalidating of my veganism and because it potentially revealed something more generally about people’s ignorance around animal exploitation.

I can handle comments from farmers and meat eaters because I can understand the intention and the motivation behind those comments. In this case, I don’t believe there was a bad intention, and that’s why it upset me in the way it did. It was just a flippant, off-hand remark, most likely intended to be comical rather than hurtful. But the seeming lack of comprehension around why someone would not want to eat dairy left me feeling upset, because it removed any notion of animal exploitation from the conversation and entirely invalidated the animals’ experiences of suffering and harm - which, in this case, was being inflicted upon them in the name of pastries that can taste just as delicious without dairy.

If it was clearly the case that he was trying to be unkind and had a bee in his bonnet when it came to veganism, in a way it would be easier to process, because the comment would be a simple reflection of the type of person he is: a not very nice one. While I might have still been upset, I could have at least rationalised it in a simple way that made him the problem.

However, in the more ambiguous situation I found myself in, the server in question represented a larger and more inherent problem - people still don’t view the issue of animal exploitation seriously enough, and butter is not viewed as a product of suffering, but something delicious and desirable.

Rather than his comment being a reflection of the fact that he wasn’t a particularly nice person, it was instead a potentially more complex reflection of a broader societal issue, one that I (and vegans more generally) have to deal with every day: ignorance and apathy.

As vegans, it can sometimes be surprising what upsets us. Meat eaters presume that sending us a picture of meat or telling us they’re eating twice as much meat now because of us is going to be upsetting; however, these comments are as boring and predictable as they are weak and desperate.

I think what this experience led me to realise is that often what upsets me are those moments where I realise just how little the issue of animal exploitation is thought of. For me, it is an issue I think about every day. For many, it’s not an issue they have even properly considered at all.

You can send me photos of meat, but what really upsets me is when people are so unaware they don’t even stop to consider why meat would be upsetting in the first place.

As for the sandwich? Well, to be honest, I was very underwhelmed. The filling wasn’t evenly distributed and the flavour wasn’t anywhere near good enough to get rid of the bad taste that had been left in my mouth.